1. Into the Church

进教堂

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall， the hardware store， and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files， the mayor got rid of the predators， and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later， the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.

镇里有三座建筑物被松鼠占领了--市政厅、五金店和教堂。市政厅引进了一些猫。但这些“猎手”撕毁了文档，于是它们也就被市长请出了市政厅。而很快，松鼠又回来了。五金店捕捉到松鼠后，施与怜悯将它们在镇外释放了。但三天后，松鼠爬回镇里来了。只有教堂采取了一种有效的解决方案。松鼠得到洗礼成为了教众。现在，人们只会在圣诞节和复活节时才能看到松鼠。

2. Denomination

面额还是教派？

A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says， "Six Orthodox， 12 Conservative， and 32 Reform."

一名女士走进邮局，问职员要50张光明节纪念邮票（小编注：光明节：犹太人庆祝光明到来的节日）。职员问。

“多少面额的？”

女士说：“6张东正教，12张保守党，32张革新派。”

3. Good Lights

好灯

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand， but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did， and each one lit up. "Great，" she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her， she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box，" she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

一位顾客进我们的商店买圣诞灯。我给她看了我们店里最好的牌子，但还需确认一下灯泡是否正常。她让我把灯泡从盒子里拿出来，然后通上电。我照做了。每一个灯泡都是正常的。

她说：“非常好。”

我小心翼翼地把这串圣诞灯放回盒子里。可当我把这一盒灯泡交给她时，她吃惊地看着我，突然说：“我不要这一盒，它打开过的。”

4. Stop the Presses

让媒体闭嘴

These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings， Study Finds Link Between Red Wine， Letting Mother Know What You Really Think， Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year， Book Given as Gift Actually Read

这些节日头条--由全美最优质新闻媒体The Onion的讽刺作家杜撰--完全是胡编乱造，不过听起来还真像是事实。诸如《放进圣诞袜的煤太贵了买不起》，《研究发现了红酒间的联系》，《让妈妈知道你真正在想什么》，《会计人员蜂拥时代广场庆祝新财年》，《书当圣诞礼物真有人读》。

5. Hiding the Presents

藏礼物

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children， I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket， positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree， I lifted the blanket and there， stacked neatly on top of my gifts， were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad， From the Kids."

早些天我就做好圣诞购物并包装好所有的礼物了。因为有两个好奇的孩子，我需要找一个适合藏礼物的隐蔽处。我想到了一个理想的地方--炉子间。我叠好礼物，用一块毯子把它们盖起来，觉得它们肯定不会被发现。当我去拿礼物想把它们放在圣诞树下时，我掀开毯子，看到，在我准备好的礼物上面整齐地叠放着另一些礼物，上面写着“给爸爸妈妈，你们的宝贝”。

6. Gift Exchange

交换礼物

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas， we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”

我朋友在检查她儿子的填空题家庭作业。有一行：“在圣诞节，我们和____交换礼物。”

他的答案：“收据。”

7. Limited Knowledge

知识有限

As we were putting out COOKIEs for Santa on Christmas Eve， I accidentally dropped one. "No problem，" I said， picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate. "You can’t do that，" argued my four-year-old. "Don’t worry. Santa will never know." He shot me a look. "So he knows if I’ve been bad or good， but he doesn’t know the COOKIE fell on the floor?"

平安夜那天，在我们分发饼干时，我一不小心掉了一块到地上。

“没关系。”

我一边说，一边捡起来，并在放回盘子前掸掉了上面的灰。

“你不能那么做。”

我四岁大的孩子争论道。

“别担心，圣诞老人不会知道的。”

他朝我瞟了一眼。

“这就是说他知道我有没有做坏事，而他不知道饼干掉在地上过？”

8. Odd Christmas Visit

奇怪的圣诞拜访

From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon， England: "Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment， a crèche， excellent cuisine， and a visit from Satan."

英格兰德文郡Woolacombe海湾酒店有一篇文章：“他们的三日圣诞假期套餐包括家庭娱乐、育婴托管、美味佳肴，还有撒旦来访”。

9. Quick Cleanup

快速清扫

Unexpected guests were on the way， and my mother， an impeccable housekeeper， rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later， when she went to inspect it， she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."

不速之客就在路上，我妈妈，一个完美的家庭主妇，正忙里忙外地整理。她分配给我爸和我哥哥的任务是打扫供客人使用的浴室。一会儿之后，当她去检查的时候，她吃惊了，曾经一度杂乱的房间瞬间就被打扫干净了。接着她看到浴帘上有一张纸条，纸条上写着：“谢谢你没往浴缸里看。”